Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Funny Signs and Headlines

Tuesday, February 12, 2013 posted by Martin
Inspirational Stones

Be Happy Inspirational Stones

You’ll enjoy these even more than engraved rocks:

 Toilet out of order
Please use floor below
****

Automatic washing machines:
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
****

On a London department store sign:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
****

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back
or further steps will be taken.
****

In a British office:
After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and
stand upside down on the draining board.
***

Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
****

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed Due to Illness
****

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants Please Stay in Your Car
****

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.
****

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read,
this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
****

On a repair shop door:
We Can Repair Anything.
Please Knock Hard on the Door – The Bell Doesn’t Work.

Learn to laugh!  Laughter provides you with good health benefits and helps reduce your stress level.

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Why Is A Fire Engine Red?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012 posted by Martin
Merry Christmas Engraved Stones

Merry Christmas Engraved Stones

A fire engine is red because:

  • fire engines have ladders
  • there are rungs on ladders
  • there is twelve inches between each rung
  • twelve inches makes a ruler
  • Queen Mary was a ruler
  • the Queen Mary is also a ship
  • ships sail in the sea
  • there are fish in the sea
  • fish have fins
  • the Fins battled the Reds.

 

And that my friend is why fire engines are red.   Also, Merry Christmas stones are red engraved stonesThey are beautifully polished and engraved river rocks with the words MERRY CHRISTMAS, and you can personalize them using a fine-tip silver permanent marker.  As opposed to ordinary Christmas cards, they will be displayed in a prominent place for many years.  Visit GreetingStones.com for more details.

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The Lion Tamer

Wednesday, February 29, 2012 posted by Martin
You're A Winner Motivational Stone

Engraved Inspirational Paperweight

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.  One is a man in his mid-twenties, and the other is a
gorgeous blond woman about the same age.  The circus owner tells them, “I’m going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history.  Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.  The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.  About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.  The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles . He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor.  He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”   He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

The moral of the story is:  When interviewing for a job, either bring a personalized stone etching with you or be more ferocious than a lion.

 

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The Texan

Monday, February 13, 2012 posted by Martin
Engraved Motivational Stones

Engraved Inspirational Stones

A  Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar, and said that his wife had  just produced “a typical Texas  baby” weighing twenty pounds.

Two  weeks later he returned to the bar.  The bartender recognized him and asked,  “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas  baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?” “Yup,  shore am!”  “How  much does he weigh now?” The  proud father answered, “Ten pounds.”

The  bartender said, “Why, what happened?  He did weigh twenty pounds.”  The  proud Texas  father said, “Jest had him circumcised!”

Note:  This baby must have really big inspirational stones.

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The Ninety Year Old Man

Monday, December 26, 2011 posted by Martin
Greeting Stones Celebration Stone

Happy Birthday Greeting Stone

Two men were talking one day.  Bill says to Jeff, “Ya know, next week, Grandpa is going to be ninety.  I think we should do something special for his birthday.  Do you have any ideas?”  Jeff responds, “Why don’t we fix him up with a hooker.”

“A hooker?  Where are we gawna find a hooker?”   Jeff responds, “Well, we live here in Nevada.  They have lots of of brothels here.  Maybe we can call one of them, and they can send someone over to his house.  As a matter of fact, a new one just opened about 6 months ago.  It’s called SUPERSEX because the women there are absolutely SUPER.”

Bill says “OK. call up SUPERSEX and see what they can do.”  The call is made and the surprise is all set for next Tuesday.  The doorbell rings at about 2 PM.  Grandpa shuffles up to the door, and standing in front of him is a beautiful 6 foot tall fully figured brunette wearing nothing but a raincoat. He says, “Yes.  Can I help you?”  The woman looks down at him, smiles, opens her raincoat and says, “SUPERSEX”.  Grandpa thinks for a second, looks up and  says “I think I’ll have the soup.”

Moral of the story – Personalized friendship gifts should be for younger folks.

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My Senior Moment

Tuesday, December 13, 2011 posted by Martin
Greeting Stone Inspirational Collection

From Greeting Stones Inspirational Collection

Joke of the Week

Last week, I was having Hanukkah dinner alone when I developed terrible gas pains. As I listened to the music, I realized that sometimes the music got really loud.  So I figured that if I could time it with the music, I could actually get away with it.  Well after two songs, I was feeling much better.  But I looked around the restaurant and noticed that all of the waiters and patrons were staring at me.  That is when I realized that I was listening to my I-Pad. The moral of this story is Hanukkah greetings can come in different ways.  Be careful.

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